I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
This is the high leading the old right now
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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