I wanna bring you to show and tell
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The uberlube is also flammable
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
