dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I think i got beer on your cat.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
