I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
