I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
