I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
