you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
