he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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