I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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