Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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