Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
