Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
