I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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