I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
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