I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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