Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
