happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
