Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
