Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
