he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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