took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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