i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
