I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
