I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
