I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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