I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
