Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize