I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
