im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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