Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize