WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
