so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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