I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize