wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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