My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize