Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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