That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
