Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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