I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
