areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize