i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
