I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I have tasted many bathrooms
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
