I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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