If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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