please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize