Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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