I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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