I love black thongs
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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