Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
