The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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