Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
