ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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