pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
