NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it's like iHOP with fire
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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