youre lurking in front of me
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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