We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I have tasted many bathrooms
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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